No longer just “some girl”

There are two cats (and three dogs) who live next door with the crazy neighbors. The cats are indoor/outdoor cats, and tend to roam the neighborhood. One of the cats is the sweetest kitty in the world. I call him Carl. I don’t know if it’s his real name (they probably named him something like Toke or Roach), but he looks like a Carl to me.

He and Chester are best friends. Carl will hang outside our porch for hours, chattering with Chester through the screen door and windows. They chirr at each other, meow, and sometimes touch noses through the screen. It’s a little bromance. Carl also helps me in the garden when I weed. He gives advice, and tromps through making sure I got everything.

He really is a great cat. I’d take him in a second if my house could hold 3 cats. And if Gabby wouldn’t kill him on sight.

The other cat, Nala, is not as sweet. She and Carl just had kittens, and Nala is out roaming the neighborhood again.  Yesterday they were chasing each other around dusk. I haven’t seen Carl since and am a little worried.

Last night, I was lying in bed, reading Harry Potter (again), when Chester just FREAKS OUT. He was hanging out in the window next to my bed, when he just starts screaming. I have never heard anything like it. He jumps onto my bed, still screaming and growling, and his tail is poufed out. Chester’s tail never poufs- the last time was when he met my dad’s dog.

Gabby, of course, dashes in, tail already poufed, hops up in the window, and starts growling and hissing. While this is NOT unusual behavior for Gabby, it is for Chester. I grabbed a flashlight, turned off my light, and shined it out the window.

Nala was sitting on the sidewalk.

No big deal, right? Right. Chester would not have reacted that way if that was all she was doing. I think she jumped up and hit the window screen with her paws.

Everyone settles down, and we go to bed. Chester always sleeps in my room, on the left side of the bed right next to the window.

At 1am, the same thing happens. Exactly the same thing. Except this time I am woken up out of a dead sleep to a screaming cat.

And an itty-bitty little turd.

Chester literally had the shit scared out of him.

I suppose I should be thankful it wasn’t diarrhea.

Since the “worst” list created some discussion and food for thought, here is the “best”. This list does not include YA novels, altho some may consider Mockingbird to be YA.

1. Walden by Thoreau (Some parts are less interesting than others, but I love this book. I had a very lengthy and surprisingly contentious argument with an acquaintance concerning Thoreau and Emerson. He contended that Emerson was far more well reasoned than Thoreau- his ideas were more polished and refined. I debated that Emerson was very good at telling others what to do, but rarely did anything himself. He would talk the talk, but not walk the walk. Thoreau, on the other hand, LIVED it. The debate actually turned into a shouting match. I’m rather embarrassed by that now. I am sure Thoreau would have approved as long as it didn’t come to punches. Which it didn’t.)

2. To Kill a Mockingbird (favorite of all time)

3. Jane Eyre (Every time I read it, it gets better and better. I much prefer Jane to Pride and Prejudice. Is that heresy?)

4. The Scarlet Letter (I totally did not appreciate this novel in 11th grade. I reread it about 5 years ago and loved it)

5. The Bell Jar. (Liked it the first time I read it. Poor Sylvia)

Notice there is no Hemingway. That is because I hate Hemingway.

What about you? Some of you indicated your faves in the last comments, but what about your top 5???

So as an English teacher, I sometimes get the impression that I am supposed to love and be an expert on books that some person in an ivory tower has deemed “classic.”

Here’s a secret: I hate many, many, many classics.

That’s not to say that I don’t realize the literary merit and importance of such works- I do. I really do get why they are important to the genre, academia, societies, and individuals. But that doesn’t mean I have to like them.

So for your viewing pleasure, my top 5 classics I hate. And they are in no particular order. I am an equal opportunity hater.

1. The Catcher in the Rye

2. The Great Gatsby

3. Lord of the Flies

4.The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

5. Wuthering Heights

What about you? Does anyone rave over books that you despise? Books of which you don’t see the appeal?

And if anyone says To Kill a Mockingbird I may have to hunt you down and beat you with my 1st edition copy of the greatest book ever written.

From Tense.

Do you wear slippers?
Yes! They are black ballet slippers. I’ve had them for 6 years, and they are starting to wear through. Will have to look into getting a new pair.

How many pictures are in your living room?
Two. Art is an ongoing project at my house.

Do you wear a bra to bed at night?
Hell no.

Do you ever watch Brady Bunch reruns?
No.

Are you allergic to anything?
Penicillin, and I have a sensitivity to the sun. I sometimes break out in hives because of the sun.

When was the last time you called in sick?
Um, April? Si suffered through a 1/2 day of being sick, and called in the next day.

Have you ever been in a car accident?
Yes. Two.

What is your favorite snack food?
I really love craisins.

Do you think you have a big butt?
Uh, YEAH.

Would you like to look like your mom when you are her age?
Yes.

Have you ever seen a tornado?
Yes. And my town was practically destroyed by one ten years ago, and again two years ago.

Do you think Barack Obama is sexy?
Too toothy. He looks a lot like Weird Harold from the Fat Albert cartoon. Weird Harold was the tall, skinny one who wore a suit jacket.

If you won a million dollars, what would you buy first?
Pay off bills. Everything after that is gravy.

What time is it right now?
Almost 4pm.

Are you pregnant?
No

Have you ever been pregnant?
No

Do you like men who wear pink shirts and flip-flops?
As long as they’re wearing bottoms, too, I’m cool with it.

How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Maybe 10?

Do you think you are a hypochondriac?
No way! If anything, I am the opposite.

Do you own a dictionary?
No. And I’m an English teacher!

Where was the last place you went on vacation?
Black Hills

Do you talk about your friends behind their backs?
Yes. Because sometimes I have to bitch. And I don’t feel hurt of others do the same to me. We all have things we need to vent about.

Are you actually fat but in complete denial about it?
I am fully cognisant of the fact that I am fat.

What color is your mouse pad?
No mouse pad

Does your kitchen have a theme?
Not really, but it has a retro feel. 1950’s.

Do you like to mow the yard?
Not really. Luckily I have a small yard!

Are you addicted to using Febreze?
No, but perhaps I should be.

What is your ring size?

?????

When was the last time you consumed alcohol?
Um, a poker party at the end of the school year.

Do you know someone who gets food stamps?
Yes

Do you have a basement in your home?
Yes

Are you still in love with one of your exes?
No

Any big plans for the summer?
No. Just working on the house.

What is your favorite comfort food?

Sweets

Do you prefer broccoli or asparagus?
I like both, actually.

What color are your bedroom walls?
A terrible beige. SOooooooo not me.

Whom do you live with?
Little Brother, two cats, parakeet

Which Star Wars movie is your favorite?
Definitely Empire Strikes Back.

How about Harry Potter?
Movie or book? Book- can’t choose. Movie- probably 3 or 4.

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
Hancock- SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you get the popcorn or the candy?
Neither, but I did have a giant Diet Coke.

What is the most romantic text in your inbox?
None.

Have you ever played miniature golf on a date?
No

What’s a word or phrase you overuse?
“So”

Where do you buy most of your shoes?
Sam’s Club. I know, I know.

Do you always use good grammar?
Usually, but not always.

Do you have an accent or a speech impediment?
Slight Minnesota accent, but not too bad.

What did you eat today?
A bowl of black bean soup, a cookie, and an ice cream bar.

What do you do at work?
Too much to list.

Do you know the rules to any sports?
Not really

Do you prefer to watch or play sports?
Watch

What is your favorite kind of hat to wear?
Cowboy

Do you pray?
Not often enough

Whom do you pray to?
God

What is the closest mountain to your house?
Either the Black Hills or Ozarks. Not sure which.

When is the next time you will move?
Hopefully not until I have a family and need a bigger house.

Isn’t there something better you could be doing right now?
Finishing ripping up my dining room floor

Is there anything good on TV?
No idea. I do not watch TV

Does your significant other have a MySpace?
No sig other

What is your dream marriage proposal?
Anything. Seriously. Anything.

What are your nicknames and who gave them to you?
No real nicknames.

How often do you wear jewelery?
I usually wear a necklace, but nothing else really.

What size engine is in your vehicle?
4-cylinder?

What do you need to do tomorrow?
Probably finish the dining room floor

Whom do you hope never to see again?
Oh, there are several people

Which friend of yours lives the farthest away?
My friend Angie lives in South Carolina. My friend Blaine lives in New Mexico.

Ok, done. By the most boring person on Earth!

I still haven’t gotten a phone call from Cousin Bitch, and honestly, I do not expect one. Especially after the celebration at Aunt Hitler and Uncle Asshole’s house (which I did not go to, but my parents did).

The 4th of July celebration was….hmmmmm. Perhaps a list would be better.

1. There were at least 75 people there. No one talked to Aunt Hitler’s family- ie, my family.
2. My parents met two of my cousins in the driveway on their way into the party. My cousins were retreating. To quote, “I’ve been here for 2 hours. That’s plenty for me!”
3. Cousin Bitch ran into my parents on the porch. My mom gave her a hug, and that was the last they talked to Cousin Bitch. She spent the entire party ignoring them. This was the first time they had seen each other in, oh, almost a decade.
4. Cousin Bitch has a new fiance, and did not introduce him to anyone.
5. Uncle Asshole never came over to say hello.
6. My parents left after two hours, the predetermined time. My mom is usually reluctant to leave places early, but I got the impression she was just as ready as my dad.

My mother will be heading out tomorrow to pick up her dishes. She says she is going to use the opportunity to ask Cousin Bitch whether or not she’ll be giving me a call. I told my mother to be prepared for any answer, and to simply respond with, “Well, that’s too bad. I know that Grandpa would be disappointed. I’m sure it’s a standing offer, so if you ever change your mind, the door is open.”

I normally would not use my mother as an intercessor, but it is the only way in a situation like this.

And Bethany, we suspect Uncle Asshole got his money through a fraudulant lawsuit after an accident. How much money do they have? Enough for the lakefront mansion (6 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, and a six-car garage), 4 vehicles (two Highlanders, a Corvette, and a Camry), and all of the trimmings that go with such luxuries. Boats, pontoons, fully stocked garage, etc. You’re talking millions of dollars.

Is the jealousy showing??

I’ll have to do a better job of telling you about this rift and what the root of it is. It is not money. It will take awhile to write, I think, so be patient!

Cousin Bitch is in town for 2 weeks. I have extended the olive branch.

I woke up yesterday with the need to extend that branch. It was weighing heavily on my heart. I know that my grandfather was troubled by the rift in our family, and he died before it could be mended. It is something that has been a burden over the past year. I am ready to get it off of my shoulders.

I emailed Aunt Hitler yesterday morning at 8:30. I emailed her because I do not know how to get in touch with Cousin Bitch. My email was simple. It said, “I do not know when Cousin Bitch is getting into town, but it is time that we healed this rift in the family. If she wants to talk, I am very open to that.” And I left my phone number.

At about 9 I received an email back stating that Cousin Bitch was getting in later that night and that Aunt Hitler would relay the message.

Nothing else. It kinda surprised me. Afterall, Aunt Hitler was the one who made a speech at Grandpa’s funeral party about how much it grieved him that the family wasn’t as close as it once was. It has left me wondering if she relayed the same speech to her own children. I am guessing not.

However, shortly after I received this email, my mother called me.

Mom: Guess what?

Me: What?

Mom: Aunt Hitler just emailed me about the 4th of July party. We’re actually invited.

Me: Really? When was that sent?

Mom: About 9.

Hmmmmm. So perhaps my email was food for thought for Aunt Hitler afterall?

I think you need a bit of background. Aunt Hitler and her husband, Uncle Asshole, moved back from Alaska approximately 4 years ago. They built a mansion on my grandparents’ old property. We suspect the money to build that home was gotten by deception and fraud, courtesy of Uncle Asshole.

In this 4 years, her family has never been formally invited. Cousin Bitch and Cousin Chris (he’s relatively normal) have been down numerous times, but Aunt Hitler’s side of the family has never been invited to a get-together in their honor. Uncle Asshole’s family? Every time. This has caused some resentment. In all of that time and in all of those visits, Cousin Bitch has never once visited Aunt Hitler’s extended family. I suspect it is because of me.

The last time she was down and didn’t call anyone, my mother had the cojones to say to Aunt Hitler, “Goodness. Call me thick, but it is starting to get through to me that Cousin Bitch really doesn’t want to see us.” Aunt Hitler’s look of shock was priceless, my mother says, as were her assurances that Cousin Bitch was “sick” the whole time. Cousin Bitch is always “sick” when she comes down. Coincidence? We think not.

OK, back on track, Betsy! My dad has refused to go to their house for years for a variety of reasons, and he freely admits that a big reason is jealousy. See, Uncle Asshole has always had a difficult time holding down a job (you know, because he’s an asshole?), and Aunt Hitler spent years supporting that family, but never at a high-paying job. Now they have this mansion. My dad, on the other hand, has worked for his family his entire life, was laid off from a job that he had for 35 years (!!!!!!), and had to start over at the bottom. Because with that layoff came the absolute crash of all of company stock that he owned, and there went his retirement.

So I guess you can add resentment to the list of reasons my dad has refused to go out there. And bitterness.  See, my parents also own property out on that lake, and can’t build. To see this slacker jerk reap the rewards is too much for my dad.

But he’s going today. This is a HUGE step. Much like the step I took this morning.

Is healing in the future?

I ope so.  I just want it over. I just want to feel comfortable at family gatherings.

I’ve done my part. It is out of my hands. We’ll see how this all plays out. Should be interesting.

1. I am going to repaint the porch. I’ve lived with it for a week, and can’t live with it any longer. It will remain pink, but a lighter shade.

2. I ripped up the remaining linoleum in the entry closet. There was another layer down there!!!! PLUS a layer of newspapers (October 24, 1967). My house was flooded in 1967, so it makes sense that they put in the linoluem at that time. But still. FOUR layers of linoleum? Lazy people.  Lazy, lazy, lazy.

• I have finished painting the floor of the porch. I am very pleased with the color. This isn’t the BEST picture, but here is a before and after. Much better.



• The climbing rose I planted really isn’t climbing, but it is blooming.
• I am loving the South Beach and Crystal Light “Live Active” protein waters. However, I do object to the name. Calling it “protein water” makes me think of chunks of pork floating in water. Gross. But I love them. They have anywhere from 20-30% of your daily soluble fiber in them. And I always add a couple of teaspoons of Benefiber just for good measure. My favorites are Crystal Light Mixed Berry and Raspberry Peach. South Beach’s Tropical Breeze is equally delicious. Those are called “Tide Me Over.” Special K also offers these waters, but they tend to have a funny aftertaste to them.
• I have, after many ridiculous delays, been officially accepted to grad school. Now I just need to find out about the financial aid.
• My writer’s conference really wasn’t a conference. It was a consultation. We developed a transition program for 8th grade writers. It was funded by a grant, and I am quite proud of the work we completed.
• I am now on Facebook, and it amazes me how many people want to be my “friend.” Listen, the last time we spoke was at graduation in 1995, if that, and we weren’t really friends to begin with. That being said, I am reconnecting with A LOT of people that I was friends with, and it is a good thing.

Please go to YouTube right now and type in “Joy Nash.” Watch “A Fat Rant” first, “Confessions of the Compulsive” next, and finish up with “Fat Rant 3″.

Thanks to T. for posting this on her site. I had never heard of Joy Nash before, and I love what she has to say.

Also, I recently got on Facebook. It has been occupying a lot of my time. Sorry.